@dumbbeezie

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

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@DamienFahey

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

@Darlainky

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@Jaywoo74

Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.

@CoachPSays

My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.

@LeBearGirdle

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

@NYC_Blonde

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.