Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

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*fills the ice tray once*



Make me wait this long there’d better be a foam masterpiece on my cappuccino, don’t even try to appease me with a fern


scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit


cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all


I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.


[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?


I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.


-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.


[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit


9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.