Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.