Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.


God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.


Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.


Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.


My toddler randomly handed me lotion and pointed to my feet.

I’ve never felt so loved and simultaneously disrespected in my life.


Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad


Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.


Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.


A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.