imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I gave up going to work for lent.