Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!