Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
house sitting!
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and