Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The first one, obviously
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
how it started vs how it ended
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.