The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Leaving the Barbers like
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat