Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Children of the corn 🌽
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
that’s really how it is
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
english majors be like furthermore
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.