high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
#milo
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.