@thetigersez

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

You Might Also Like

@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

@gabbazaba

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@Jettalea

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

@TheBoydP

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@TheRealPalMal

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@PoorEvelyn

Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.

@KittensMittens

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad