Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Nothing to do, you say?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol