Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*


the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”


CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*


If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless


Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.


Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit


BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.


How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?


Well, if it doesn’t include antidepressants, they shouldn’t call it a Happy Meal.


Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad