Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997