@2tonbug

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

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@NewDadNotes

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

@AristotlesNZ

Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@HansGrubertron

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@LoveNLunchmeat

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997