Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.