Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
scrabbled eggs
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!