Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
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“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont