@Marlebean

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

@robfee

While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?

@PrestoVision

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

@cbme69

Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?

@debon7

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

@BigJDubz

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

@thisislizz

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets