DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.