This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.