Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
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How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My Sentiments Exactly
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”