Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”