@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

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@sfreeze6

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

@stockejock

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@BrassBallsCJ

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

@Reverend_Scott

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

@AbrasiveGhost

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

@prufrockluvsong

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.