HR: you know why you’re here, right?
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.