@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

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@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@WilliamAder

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

@SoulYodeler

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

@Contwixt

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

@dubstep4dads

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go