Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

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Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain


Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.


*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone



Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear


CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.


White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.


If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun


Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE


Jellyfish are PEACEFUL


Octopi are VERY SMART


wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time


Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation