Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
You Might Also Like
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
won’t smith
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*