@Browtweaten
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
@gorrdano
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
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@Browtweaten
@jwoodham
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
@myboots111
*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm
*calls cell phone
*waits
@thepatrickwalsh
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
@Shenaniglenns
CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS
Me: Ok I-
CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.
@TheTweetOfGod
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
@Mr_Kapowski
If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.
Disneyland has never been so fun
@mostlysharks
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
@iwearaonesie
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
@NotOnTheMoors
Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation