@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

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@Browtweaten

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

@jwoodham

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

@myboots111

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm

*calls cell phone

*waits

@thepatrickwalsh

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@TheTweetOfGod

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

@Mr_Kapowski

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun

@mostlysharks

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@NotOnTheMoors

Dragons were fun-loving creatures, but when told a good joke they tended to snort and grill the storyteller. It earned them a bad reputation