@TheWadest

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

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@TheMichaelRock

I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.

@pixelatedboat

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

@jewfacekilla

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

@urmumsausername

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

@SardonicTart

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.

This cheese is delicious.