Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
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PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
How did we not see this back then?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
You have been warned.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”