Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

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I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.


“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw


MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.


I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?



Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days


10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?


Asked my son what he wanted for dinner. He said cheese. A good mom doesn’t let her kid eat cheese for dinner.

This cheese is delicious.