Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.