OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.
gf: where’s that parcel from
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*