Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney