Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes