Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You鈥檙e all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 馃
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don鈥檛 fully wake up?
That鈥檚 the whole month of January for me
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I want to meet the individual who made this
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or