@dumbbeezie

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

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@nathanfielder

Experiment: text your parents “got 2 grams for $40” then right after “Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you” Then tweet pic of their response.

@rolldiggity

1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@VerifiedJayy

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that

@joeljeffrey

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

@JB4Realz

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@maxi_tea

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.