Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
You Might Also Like
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
😆this is so true
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset