Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

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Experiment: text your parents “got 2 grams for $40” then right after “Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you” Then tweet pic of their response.


1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.


[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…


Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.


Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.