Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.