Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.