Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Don’t fall in love. You will get feelings and die.
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me
Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship
Him: but… we’re married
Me: yeah I gotta go
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed