Don’t feel like going to the gym?

Go to all your ex’s facebook pages and see who they’re dating now.

Then go to the gym.

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A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.


Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.


casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no


[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we


detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time


Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.


washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one


Signs that things aren’t going well: 1) your gums bleed when u brush your hair. 2) u pray for the demise of the same 6 people every day.