[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”