@Dawn_M_

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

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@LlamaInaTux

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@KieranSoFar

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

@mydmac

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

@thepunningman

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

@Donna_McCoy

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”