Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
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I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry