Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.