Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
You Might Also Like
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.