Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
X-tra spooky blend
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.