Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
LA today:
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*