I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids