Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

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One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.


Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.


If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.


every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.


ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]




Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.


What you read about me in the newspaper today is true: I am selling my couch.