Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
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2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.