@thatUPSdude

Don’t forget to check your kid’s candy. Found a toothbrush in my nephew’s Halloween candy last year. Real psychos out there.

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@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@jennifermerr

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

@EricaLynnz

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

@SatansTongue

*Vladimir Putin dining*
I want Russian fries
“They’re French fries”
Not for long
*crosses Ukraine out on agenda & lists France*
Not for long

@markleggett

I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”

@AwkwardTwitts

“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”

@TheMichaelRock

Kids: haha you have to work and we don’t have school today

Me *closing the front door* I changed the wifi password. Love you guys!