Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You Might Also Like
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
choose your fighter
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe