Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?