Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My dog ate my work from home.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I love twitter
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.