@TheMichaelRock: Don't forget to get offended today by some retarded shit that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
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@WheelTod: One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said "Man. She must be really flexible!" but I told them "No, she has to work most weekends"
@Brettagher: Daughter: What's a warehouse? Me: It's a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon. Daughter: Wow. Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
@BrendanHealy4: Wife texts husband 'Windows frozen', husband texts wife 'try bucket of warm water', wife texts husband 'computer not working at all now'
@badbanana: "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye." Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.