The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake