Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
…..pretty much.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe