Don’t forget to tip your server
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?