Don’t forget to tip your server

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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.


Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.


I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…


*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*


a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning


Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…


Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.


Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.


dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough


SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches