@_w0xy

Don’t forget to tip your server

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@byrdie_num_num

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

@Annoyedworld

I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…

@Darlainky

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

@awhalefact

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

@C00LpenNAME

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

@PinkCamoTO

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@rachelaxler

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches