Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today

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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.


[cops knock on my door]
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”


My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”


In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush


Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.


Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber


My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20


The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.


For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.


Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.