For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today
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[cops knock on my door]
“Who said that then?”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.