@ThisLocalHater

Don’t forget to wash your hands before assaulting a senior citizen over a can of green beans today

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@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

@dad_on_my_feet

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

@ei8htiesbaby

Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.

@MsCassieDaniels

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@Jake_Vig

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Came home from work early and caught my inflatable girlfriend cheating on me with the beachball.