Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
You better watch out
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut