Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.