Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
don’t we all
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?