Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage