Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m not wrong
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
my dad has had enough
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.